by Brent Peterson on Jan 23, 2012
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Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Startled Deer Becomes New Republican Frontrunner
Inability to Speak Considered a Plus
CONCORD, NH (The Borowitz Report)
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Inability to Speak Considered a Plus
CONCORD, NH (The Borowitz Report)
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Thursday, October 13, 2011
Sparkling, Professional Resume aka Help Dan FINALLY Write His Own Resume (AGAIN)
I edited my resume and emailed it to Dan so he can write himself another resume to replace the one I had to write for him 2 years ago. Note: This resume contains racial humor, male chauvinism, and the word "retard". If you find this offensive, go away.
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dan cleanyour squalidroom
YOUR ADDRESS* Brockvegas, MA 02301 * Phone: (877) 241-LUNA * Email: Danny@excite.com.
SKILLS:
·Extensive knowledge of Windows 7,Vista (sigh), XP and 2000 and HTML (sigh)
·Complete Non-Stupid-User Microsoft Office 2003/2007 proficiency and condescension
·Client server social networking using TCP/IP/Confusing Facebook Lists
·More than 8 years customer service hold button experience
·Ability to process requests and answer questions without sounding like a retard
·Graduate of Massachusetts Safe Driver Middle Finger Program
·OS installation: Microsoft Windows 98, XP, 7(prove you’re installing Vista & I’ll work 4 free)
·Printer installation, maintenance, and destruction in field via baseball bat
·Windows troubleshooting/making sure stupid users have their tower plugged in
·Premier professional and improvisational phone skills aka lies
·Comprehensive knowledge of Massachusetts highways, Asian/Quincy drivers, and potholes
·TIPS Certification aka “Don’t Serve Drunk Alcoholics, You Dumbass”
EXPERIENCE:
Confusing Series of Letters, Inc., Rockland Dood, MA 12/2009 to 3/2010
Collections Shark
Perfected call center, debtor fuckery, and rude telephone-slave skills in large, profit-driven Capitalist call shithole. Integral part of purchased debt sharktank. Gained further experience with automated call clients and clerical tasks including filing and faxing forms and affadavits to debtors and their shitty attorneys. Setup payment arrangements on balances owed via phone with checks and credit card fraud.
Borg Cube 56498, Delta Quadrant, MA 11/2008 to 12/2008
Borg Collections Drone, Designation: 16 of 21
Call center drone for Delta Quadrant, MA based Borg law firm and collections collective. Duties included professional hailing of debtors on starships, at home, or at planet of business, outlining assimilation procedures and legal irrelevancies regarding cases, setup of payment arrangements, answering of debtor questions and concerns regarding legal ass-spelunking, and clerical tasks including ordering, printing, and filing of documents and reports. Gained experience assimilating biological and technological resources, using VOIP telephony implants, Borg skin bleaching techniques, and automated Borg-queen paradoxes.
Your Mom’s Vagina, Boxboro, MA 8/2006 to 10/2008
Box Tech
Responsible for the setup of new vaginas, setup and troubleshooting of stupid users’ wired and wireless porn networks, STD virus and spyware removal, set up and management of cable and DSL internet connections and wireless networks, backup and recovery of pornography using Symantec Ghost and similar utilities, and assisting stupid users with Windows loadshooting in person, via telephone, chatroulette, manhunt, Bear411, Rest Stop Bathroom, and remote desktop.
Friend’s Failed LLC, Braintree, MA 5/2006 to 5/2008 Driver/Customer Service Viking
Responsible for pick-up and delivery of owner, as well as audio, video, and lighting equipment by hastily-rented truck. Involved in the load-in, set-up, operation of, and load-out of aforementioned crap. Also, gained much experience in cooperating with effete clients, vendors, and prima donna musicians, preparing tacky aesthetic elements of productions, fighting idiot drivers in RI, and insuring the safety of our clients, their constituents, and other hastily-rented crap.
Woody’s Skank Emporium, Rockland, MA 3/2005 to 6/2006
Framer, Roofer, and Skank Maintenance
Framer, Roofer, and Skank Maintenance
Worker for Private Escort company. Assisted Mr. Woody with destruction of homes in Effingham and Ossipee, NH. Other duties included: clean-up of cheap hotel rooms at end of shift, hauling shit up ladders and onto roofs, disposal/burning of aging or murdered skanks, transportation of dildos and materials to and from Econo Lodge, and listening to Mr. Woody yell at his son all day.
Steve Mahanahan’s Child-Clown Outlet, South Attleboro, MA 1/2004 to 3/2005
Driver and Lead Child-Clown Cage Cleaner
Accountable for pick-up of donations of unwanted, retarded and/or female children at private residences by truck, planning of different child-clown pick-up routes daily, answering questions at the homes of our benefactors, and road checking/cleaning of box trucks/child-clown cages. Gained extensive knowledge of the entire eastern Massachusetts pothole! Graduated from the Massachusetts Safe-Driver Program after completion of video training and testing/sawed-off shotgun tutorial.
Chang Wang Long Hung Dong House of Engrish, Bridgewater, MA 1/2000 to 1/2004
Dwivah and Custoomah Serwice Wepwesentateeve
Responsibilities included delivery of hot Chang food to private residences with shitty private vehicle, evasion of the hated Bridgewater PoPo, communication with customers over the phone while writing orders in confusing symbols, handling dickhead customer demands while waiter was occupied with his girlfriend, cleaning and organizing the counter area/phone center of the dump, assembling extra bags of weed for inclusion in our product, and engendering a friendly and non-threatening Asian encounter for our Caucasian guests. Over 4 years of ass-kissing, became a fwiend of the family.
EDUCATION:
Bridgewater-Raynham Regional Young Person’s Prison/Totalitarian Jockaucracy of Doom
Class of 1999. Was a member of Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School’s Currently Nonexistant Marching and Concert Bands. Member of Bridgewater-Raynham’s Regional Champion F.I.R.S.T. Robotics Team, Lions Club Allstate clarinetist and skin flautist.
Massasoit AKA Brockton High School Graduate Fifth Year Daycare
Graduate of incredibly easy GED Testing Program, February 2008. Was angry I scored perfect in multiple choice math and not the essay section. The female instructor was biased against my Star Trek essay, and wore a ridiculous wig.
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Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Clearly, 90% > 10%
Clearly, 90% > 10%
by John Buckley on Saturday, October 23, 2010 at 6:46am
To Dan Lozzi and Contributing Writers of The Outlook,
Greetings! I was referred to your website via Facebook invite by several of my friends. These are people I've known for a long time; persons of quality with whom I've had the pleasure of associating for many years. I greatly enjoyed reading your articles, and 90% of what you are encouraging I support. I agree with your views regarding the current "society of sickness" paradigm forced upon the populace through rampant consumerism and the subjugation and manipulation of the natural world, achieved conscience free in the eyes of many for it is cloaked in the noble veil of globalization and conscientious capitalism. Anti-consumerism, environmentalism, feminism, conservation, animal rights, cessation of domestic violence, recycling, and respect for fellow occupants of this planet are all ideals I support and aspire to champion, and it is refreshing to see them so plainly and furtively enunciated. There is, however, one glaringly offensive statement that your group has made, and I wanted to take the time to make you aware of it because, for the most part, I appreciate what you and your contributors are advocating.
In your article "Progression Through Quantum Calculus Motions" there is a short paragraph dedicated to the recently conspicuous fight over the recognition of the human rights of gay persons, specifically gay marriage, by the LGBT community and their supporters in Congress. In this article, and forgive me if I have somehow misinterpreted, you imply that the current battle over legislation to legalize gay marriage is part of "an extension of loose attitudes we have in general when dealing with relationships" and then presume to speciously correlate it with "junior high girls kiss[ing] each other to get attention from boys" and "people [who] decide that they are going to try being homo or bi-sexual for a little while just to see how it feels" and then assert that the battle over the inalienable human rights of gay persons to marry "does absolutely nothing to help gain acceptance for the very tiny segment of the population who are actually born gay." The contrived logic of this statement is obviously flawed, marring the righteous message of so many other admirable remarks in your essays.
The struggle for equal recognition under the law by the gay community should not be capriciously associated with such non sequitur, anecdotal, and obviously pejorative social commentary. It could be inferred that the author's obvious disdain for the subjects of reference seeks to, implicitly rather than explicitly, diminish and discredit the true and just cause for which many people, including myself, continue to fight for daily. It is also curious that the author would choose to preface the paragraph by stating, "I not only have nothing against those who are gay, but I am also offended by mean spirited attitudes towards them," for any other purpose than to obfuscate a congruently mean spirited anti-gay-marriage message and to coat the author's socially conservative stance on this "controversial issue" in a medium palatable enough to be overlooked by gay readers. Of course, if I have somehow misinterpreted the position of The Outlook and its contributors, I entreat you to enlighten me with a less confusing and more thoroughly reasoned interpretation of your views regarding this crucial and highly visible human rights issue.
Recently, I came across a back-and-forth between Dan Savage, a prominent author, journalist, and gay rights activist and "L.R.", a politely bigoted Christian person commenting on Savage's comments regarding the bullying of gay youths and how it is perpetuated by intolerance in the home. I'll let you read the short conversation yourself as opposed to trying to distill it for you:
Gay Kids Are Dying, Fuck Your Feelings
October 14, 2010
Dear Dan: I was listening to the radio yesterday morning, and I heard an interview with you about your It Gets Better campaign. I was saddened and frustrated with your comments regarding people of faith and their perpetuation of bullying. As someone who loves the Lord and does not support gay marriage, I can honestly say I was heartbroken to hear about the young man who took his own life.
If your message is that we should not judge people based on their sexual preference, how do you justify judging entire groups of people for any other reason (including their faith)? There is no part of me that took any pleasure in what happened to that young man, and I know for a fact that is true of many other people who disagree with your viewpoint.
To that end, to imply that I would somehow encourage my children to mock, hurt, or intimidate another person for any reason is completely unfounded and offensive. Being a follower of Christ is, above all things, a recognition that we are all imperfect, fallible, and in desperate need of a savior. We cannot believe that we are better or more worthy than other people.
Please consider your viewpoint, and please be more careful with your words in the future.
—L.R.
Savage:
I'm sorry your feelings were hurt by my comments.
No, wait. I'm not. Gay kids are dying. So let's try to keep things in perspective: Fuck your feelings.
A question: Do you "support" atheist marriage? Interfaith marriage? Divorce and remarriage? All are legal, all go against Christian and/or traditional ideas about marriage, and yet there's no "Christian" movement to deny marriage rights to atheists or people marrying outside their respective faiths or people divorcing and remarrying.
Why the hell not?
Sorry, L.R., but so long as you support the denial of marriage rights to same-sex couples, it's clear that you do believe that some people—straight people—are "better or more worthy" than others.
And—sorry—but you are partly responsible for the bullying and physical violence being visited on vulnerable LGBT children. The kids of people who see gay people as sinful or damaged or disordered and unworthy of full civil equality—even if those people strive to express their bigotry in the politest possible way (at least when they happen to be addressing a gay person)—learn to see gay people as sinful, damaged, disordered, and unworthy. And while there may not be any gay adults or couples where you live, or at your church, or in your workplace, I promise you that there are gay and lesbian children in your schools. And while you can only attack gays and lesbians at the ballot box, nice and impersonally, your children have the option of attacking actual gays and lesbians, in person, in real time.
Real gay and lesbian children. Not political abstractions, not "sinners." Gay and lesbian children.
Try to keep up: The dehumanizing bigotries that fall from the lips of "faithful Christians," and the lies about us that vomit out from the pulpits of churches that "faithful Christians" drag their kids to on Sundays, give your children license to verbally abuse, humiliate, and condemn the gay children they encounter at school. And many of your children—having listened to Mom and Dad talk about how gay marriage is a threat to family and how gay sex makes their magic sky friend Jesus cry—feel justified in physically abusing the LGBT children they encounter in their schools. You don't have to explicitly "encourage [your] children to mock, hurt, or intimidate" queer kids. Your encouragement—along with your hatred and fear—is implicit. It's here, it's clear, and we're seeing the fruits of it: dead children.
Oh, and those same dehumanizing bigotries that fill your straight children with hate? They fill your gay children with suicidal despair. And you have the nerve to ask me to be more careful with my words?
Did that hurt to hear? Good. But it couldn't have hurt nearly as much as what was said and done to Asher Brown and Justin Aaberg and Billy Lucas and Cody Barker and Seth Walsh—day-in, day-out for years—at schools filled with bigoted little monsters created not in the image of a loving God, but in the image of the hateful and false "followers of Christ" they call Mom and Dad.
Clearly, Savage is angry, but rightfully so in this case. The LGBT community is sick and tired of listening to straight people try to justify their homophobia with statements about how their children will be negatively affected by exposure to openly queer relationships. There is no way that legislation allowing gays to marry could possibly warp the minds of children more than religious intolerance, television, commercialism, or chemicals will, and to suggest that teenage girls kissing each other in hallways and people experimenting with homosexuality is somehow associated with the moral rot of society is ignorant and pathetic. Everyone has the power to choose their own actions, and considering the sheer volume of mockery and hatred heaped upon openly gay people, why would anyone "choose" such a difficult path if it was not somehow ingrained in their very being? What really screws with kids' minds is the implication that if they have feelings of a homosexual, bisexual, or gender-queer nature, they are somehow sinful, damaged, disordered, and/or unworthy of love. When they are forced to deny their innermost selves because they know exposing it will lead to ridicule, rejection, violence, and bigotry, these strong natural feelings are suppressed, often leading to self-hatred, substance abuse, and even suicide. I guarantee you that LGBT people constitute much more than a "very tiny segment of the population." Many reputable studies have shown that approximately 10% of the population is LGBT, but the real question is: What percent of the population is still afraid to admit their true sexual identities to themselves, let alone someone else?
But I digress, I do agree with and enjoy 90% of what The Outlook has to say. I've decided to send Outlook Massachusetts a friend request on Facebook. Aside from what I've read, I like what most of my old friends are saying about your group, and I especially like the fact that the notorious gentleman and scholar, R. Gregory Frazier, is now one of your contributors... or at least that's what I've been told. As I mentioned in the beginning, the people who referred me to your group are people of quality. Running the numbers on what I've liked versus what I've disagreed with on your website, I approximate a ratio of 90% to 10%, and I'm guessing I can tolerate that 10%, given that it's such a "very tiny segment" of your work, and clearly, 90% > 10%.
Regards,
John Buckley
crushercub81@gmail.com
http://indigentsia.blogspot.com
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