dan cleanyour squalidroom
YOUR ADDRESS* Brockvegas, MA 02301 * Phone: (877) 241-LUNA * Email: Danny@excite.com.
SKILLS:
·Extensive knowledge of Windows 7,Vista (sigh), XP and 2000 and HTML (sigh)
·Complete Non-Stupid-User Microsoft Office 2003/2007 proficiency and condescension
·Client server social networking using TCP/IP/Confusing Facebook Lists
·More than 8 years customer service hold button experience
·Ability to process requests and answer questions without sounding like a retard
·Graduate of Massachusetts Safe Driver Middle Finger Program
·OS installation: Microsoft Windows 98, XP, 7(prove you’re installing Vista & I’ll work 4 free)
·Printer installation, maintenance, and destruction in field via baseball bat
·Windows troubleshooting/making sure stupid users have their tower plugged in
·Premier professional and improvisational phone skills aka lies
·Comprehensive knowledge of Massachusetts highways, Asian/Quincy drivers, and potholes
·TIPS Certification aka “Don’t Serve Drunk Alcoholics, You Dumbass”
EXPERIENCE:
Confusing Series of Letters, Inc., Rockland Dood, MA 12/2009 to 3/2010
Collections Shark
Perfected call center, debtor fuckery, and rude telephone-slave skills in large, profit-driven Capitalist call shithole. Integral part of purchased debt sharktank. Gained further experience with automated call clients and clerical tasks including filing and faxing forms and affadavits to debtors and their shitty attorneys. Setup payment arrangements on balances owed via phone with checks and credit card fraud.
Borg Cube 56498, Delta Quadrant, MA 11/2008 to 12/2008
Borg Collections Drone, Designation: 16 of 21
Call center drone for Delta Quadrant, MA based Borg law firm and collections collective. Duties included professional hailing of debtors on starships, at home, or at planet of business, outlining assimilation procedures and legal irrelevancies regarding cases, setup of payment arrangements, answering of debtor questions and concerns regarding legal ass-spelunking, and clerical tasks including ordering, printing, and filing of documents and reports. Gained experience assimilating biological and technological resources, using VOIP telephony implants, Borg skin bleaching techniques, and automated Borg-queen paradoxes.
Your Mom’s Vagina, Boxboro, MA 8/2006 to 10/2008
Box Tech
Responsible for the setup of new vaginas, setup and troubleshooting of stupid users’ wired and wireless porn networks, STD virus and spyware removal, set up and management of cable and DSL internet connections and wireless networks, backup and recovery of pornography using Symantec Ghost and similar utilities, and assisting stupid users with Windows loadshooting in person, via telephone, chatroulette, manhunt, Bear411, Rest Stop Bathroom, and remote desktop.
Friend’s Failed LLC, Braintree, MA 5/2006 to 5/2008 Driver/Customer Service Viking
Responsible for pick-up and delivery of owner, as well as audio, video, and lighting equipment by hastily-rented truck. Involved in the load-in, set-up, operation of, and load-out of aforementioned crap. Also, gained much experience in cooperating with effete clients, vendors, and prima donna musicians, preparing tacky aesthetic elements of productions, fighting idiot drivers in RI, and insuring the safety of our clients, their constituents, and other hastily-rented crap.
Woody’s Skank Emporium, Rockland, MA 3/2005 to 6/2006
Framer, Roofer, and Skank Maintenance
Framer, Roofer, and Skank Maintenance
Worker for Private Escort company. Assisted Mr. Woody with destruction of homes in Effingham and Ossipee, NH. Other duties included: clean-up of cheap hotel rooms at end of shift, hauling shit up ladders and onto roofs, disposal/burning of aging or murdered skanks, transportation of dildos and materials to and from Econo Lodge, and listening to Mr. Woody yell at his son all day.
Steve Mahanahan’s Child-Clown Outlet, South Attleboro, MA 1/2004 to 3/2005
Driver and Lead Child-Clown Cage Cleaner
Accountable for pick-up of donations of unwanted, retarded and/or female children at private residences by truck, planning of different child-clown pick-up routes daily, answering questions at the homes of our benefactors, and road checking/cleaning of box trucks/child-clown cages. Gained extensive knowledge of the entire eastern Massachusetts pothole! Graduated from the Massachusetts Safe-Driver Program after completion of video training and testing/sawed-off shotgun tutorial.
Chang Wang Long Hung Dong House of Engrish, Bridgewater, MA 1/2000 to 1/2004
Dwivah and Custoomah Serwice Wepwesentateeve
Responsibilities included delivery of hot Chang food to private residences with shitty private vehicle, evasion of the hated Bridgewater PoPo, communication with customers over the phone while writing orders in confusing symbols, handling dickhead customer demands while waiter was occupied with his girlfriend, cleaning and organizing the counter area/phone center of the dump, assembling extra bags of weed for inclusion in our product, and engendering a friendly and non-threatening Asian encounter for our Caucasian guests. Over 4 years of ass-kissing, became a fwiend of the family.
EDUCATION:
Bridgewater-Raynham Regional Young Person’s Prison/Totalitarian Jockaucracy of Doom
Class of 1999. Was a member of Bridgewater-Raynham Regional High School’s Currently Nonexistant Marching and Concert Bands. Member of Bridgewater-Raynham’s Regional Champion F.I.R.S.T. Robotics Team, Lions Club Allstate clarinetist and skin flautist.
Massasoit AKA Brockton High School Graduate Fifth Year Daycare
Graduate of incredibly easy GED Testing Program, February 2008. Was angry I scored perfect in multiple choice math and not the essay section. The female instructor was biased against my Star Trek essay, and wore a ridiculous wig.
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